Saturday, December 23, 2017

I Am Desperate

Have you ever wished you had a better relationship with someone?

I was having a conversation.... messaging with a dear friend the other day, about some stuff that God was showing me, and she said, "Oh I wish my relationship was like yours."

Huh. I don't know what to say when people say that, because I don't know how other people are with personally.

I thought about it for a few days. And the one thing that I have noticed about the few people who get how I talk about my relationship with the one thing we have in common.


I am desperate. I am desperate for God. I am desperate for His hand. I am desperate for His leading. I am desperate for His plan......and lets be honest, I'm impatient with His timing....but, alas, I am desperate.

I cannot make any move without Him. I have learned to trust His hand. I have learned that His way is best. I have learned that dying to self, although extremely the only way that I will live. The only way that I choose to live.

My life has not been what I would have ever planned. I never would have imagined this life for myself. The places Ive been and lived, the lives all over the world that my path has intersected and sometimes intertwined with. Only God could have done that. It's mind boggling.

The people He has sent to show me compassion and the people He has given me compassion for, are not who I would have chosen, or expected. And yet, compassion flows.

The ones closest to me, a motley crew (sorry girls) are from different walks of life, choosing to walk together and love each other because of our one common denominator, God, himself. Sisters from the ONE Mister.  The great I AM. They understand this sense of urgency for our Creator.

Desperation, that calls me to the oceanside to walk several times a week.....not necessarily for the exercise....but He meets me there...and He walks with me. And I worship. And we talk. And I look at the ocean and am comforted as I watch the strength of the waves crashing against each other......knowing that His hand, just His pinky, makes that happen.
I called Him Daddy once....I think that shocked us both....I chuckled.
And I joke with Him, saying...."hey, wouldn't it be cool if....." And he catches me off guard by reminding me......."Don't forget your first Love."
"Just as you can't see the end of this ocean, you can't see the end of my love for you."

Don't get me wrong.....insecurities try and drown out His call. Anxiety lurks in the corners waiting for an opportunity to strike.....telling me I'll never be good enough....not pretty enough.....Call me out on my imperfectness. And I steel myself against it and rebuke as soon as I recognize it. The battle continues but I know who Wins.

And so I wait....for His will to be done. Knowing that every step I take towards, His plan, is a painful dying step away from my own. But I know that in the end, it will be worth it.

I am desperate.

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