My Father, Who Art in Heaven........

My father, who art in Heaven........Oh how I wonder.

I wonder what it is like for him. I do not believe that we can even fathom what is to come. And yet, he is living it. Full of life.



Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely. 1Corinthians 13:12

It has been almost 10 years, since he left. 

For me, this has been one of the toughest years I can remember. I have longed for his strength....for his determination. For the last several years of his life, his body was weak, but his spirit was strong. His will was strong. 

He could re-invent himself, when needed. I remember, in my teens, when he returned from a class he was taking (to get a better job to support his family.) Mom and I were sitting at the kitchen table and he walked in, so angry. He told mom that the one woman in his class was such a B*&%$#.  The shock must have shown on my face, as my jaw dropped open.

And his reply,"Sometimes, there is just no other word!!"

(don't think I haven't used that since then)

It wasn't always perfect. Oh how we could fight. Oh he made me so angry. I see now, that was me, being a lot like him. We would argue, and I would get in trouble for always having to have the last word....but it was so challenging to keep my mouth shut....even if I said 'ok' after he was done....(just to have the last word)

I miss him keeping order. I miss it when he would assume decision making responsibility....about my work or travel. He would say, "Well, mom and I will discuss it and get back to you." And I would carry on, making the decisions (because I was in my 30's.)

I miss him following me around, when I was on tour singing and they came to visit. He wouldn't necessarily tell me he was proud of me, but the fact that he would follow me around like a puppy, was a good indication. 

He would make order out of chaos. (usually by 'putting his foot down')

There are days that I am oh so tired, of knowing that his strength is no longer there to lean on. (Yes, I'm working on that.....with Brene Brown) But.....well....everybody needs a dad sometimes. 

I wish he knew....my life. Maybe he does. I won't know...this side of Heaven. 

I'm happy, that he is no longer sick. I know that he is finally complete. And I'm good. I have grieved and sometimes still do...in moments like these....in remembering. Ah but it is good to remember. 

So today, his birthday, I remember.....with a whole heart. My dad.