I sit here, in the midst of pile of things, clothes, medication, an empty suitcase waiting to filled for a trip next week. I have my things around me.....my two stuffed puppies I use as neck rests.....my electric blanket. Trinkets I have picked up in different places; my collection of birds are surrounding me. I look around the room and this should be enough....and yet, it's not.
In this time. My heart is heavy.
As I have been researching statistics for a future occupation, watching the news with bombings and attacks.....with everyone's opinion on refugees.........with intolerance, and too much tolerance and everyone offending each other, my heart hurts.
We stand in church on Sunday's and sing, "Break my heart for what break's Your's," and then we go about our week, with strong vocal opinions and hardened hearts, about people groups and political parties and forget the words that left our mouths the previous weekend.
And I feel homesick. I feel as though I don't belong. And I don't know how to explain it. I am homesick, but for no where I've ever known. I long for something deeper, something more.
I remember a few years ago, when God and I were fighting.....okay in reality, I was talking back. He asked me, "Am I enough for You?" And I yelled, "No!"
Oh how sorry I was for my answer. I felt His heart break. "Break my heart for what breaks yours."
And now, as we are continuing in our relationship, He is doing just that. Breaking my heart....over and over again.
Last night, I begged God to hold me. I begged Him for comfort, Just to feel His arms around me. Jesus with skin on.
And today, I am introspective, I am sensitive to interaction and find myself listening to the songs that bring me closer to Him.
And this one has been on repeat for a while.
Home Where I belong. -BJ Thomas
1 Corinthians 13:12