Friday, June 13, 2014

I am not Jesus, But I stayed at a Holiday Inn Express last night.

Here I sit. I have one more report due, one more meeting to attend, two more planned dinners to go to, and some eyelashes to get, and I'll be on my way for a break.
I have been here for seven months, and I believe that I have been honest with you about my feelings. This has been the hardest transition of my life. This has been the loneliest, most heart breaking, heart wrenching, uncomfortable stretching....angry at God time of my life. (Usually not the way a missionary starts a conversation)
I expected that if I walked in obedience, the leaving would be hard, but the getting here and getting started would be easier....it was not....it was more challenging than leaving.
Being stared at because I am a white woman.
Having expectations of strength because I am an authority figure
Learning to live with ants....in bed, in the kitchen, on your desk, on your body.
Never being sweat free
Trying to make friends, just to have them leave
Finding a church family, that does not even compare to what you had at home.

Being angry at people in the 'western world' for not knowing the realities of this world and sending me encouraging notes, while I sit here, not knowing how to process the horrific stories I hear. I get angry because they sing songs like, "I surrender all. " or..."I'll go where you want me to go", but have they ever had this challenge?

I am a business person. I like to keep my heart separate. I have been unable to do this. I love to show affection to people I care about and choose, but personal space is important to me. Cambodian teenagers do not understand personal space. I am hugged and touched and rubbed and kissed and many other things on a daily basis.  They even like to play with the mole in my under  arm.....yeah....no personal space.

This afternoon I was star-fishing (the act of laying like a starfish on your bed, with little clothing, with the fan and air con on) and listening to worship music.
A song came on that the  Lord played for me, the week before I came. "Everything to Me."
At that time, I believed it. Just like we all do...in our comfortable lives.

And I said to Him....I didn't know, I didn't know it would be this hard. And I wondered how hard it had been for Him. On this earth. Hanging out with people who really didn't understand....speaking a different language in a way...His was eternal, there's was not. I wonder if He he had a safe place to go to regenerate....like a bestie's sofa.......I think back again to when He wept. And I've said it before, but I wonder if the weeping was more out of sheer exhaustion of doing the work of the Father and being misunderstood, than the actual death of Lazarus. I mean, He knew, Lazarus would rise again. So...I wonder if He was tired....and dusty, and hungry....and 'done' with a group of friends....who just didn't get it.

And as I lay ....star-fishing.....He showed me...that even though my heart is in shreds, that I am exhausted from the Father's work.....that this is just one corner of the earth, and I am just glimpsing a small part of this fallen world. I don't know if that makes me feel better or worse.

If actions followed feelings, I would not come back here....but as I've learned early on, feelings follow actions....so I will be back. There is work that must be done. The harvest is plenty, but the laborers are few.


6 comments:

  1. Thank you for sharing what is stirring the waters in the depth of your soul... May the God of All be your strength and refreshment.

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  2. thank you for sharing.. GOD BLESS!!

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  3. Your honesty and transparency is so appreciated! Thanks for your testimony and service to the least of these!
    Blessings
    Paulette (a friend of Lori's)

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  4. You're a good woman Robyn, and all I can say is well done for hanging in there where you don't want to be.

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  5. hey robyn! randomly found your blog through another canadian. i live in poipet and have been here for about 3 years. and i have to say...yes. yes to all you wrote and felt and saw. it's not easy. but i can promise you - it does get better. not because cambodia changes, but because we change and grow and are transformed by everything that is so difficult (writing this as i have no power or water because a storm just knocked it all out!).

    be encouraged and feel free to stop by!
    whitney
    www.journey-mercies.com

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  6. Reading this post triggered a realization that this feeling of loneliness is probably a large part of exactly what Christ experienced on earth. I had always sort of disregarded this idea that Jesus had 'been there' and experienced the depths of our sin so we should be willing to do the same - because He was God. I felt like because He was God (like some cosmic Superman), His experiencing hardship didn't really count because it couldn't possibly be that hard for him. But your parallel to how he must have felt in this fallen world is really eye-opening, and BECAUSE He was God, this particular hardship would have been incredibly huge... Thanks for putting it that way.

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