Thursday, October 31, 2013

Everything To Me

Can't sleep. It was a day.
Today I felt physical pain in my body, as I finished packing up my apartment, giving away or selling the last of most of my earthly possessions. No, it wasn't a heart attack. It was the sheer pain of dying to self, and living a bigger purpose.
After most of it was gone, I lay on my floor,(because the guy who bought my bed showed up, just as I was laying down for a nap) with my little dog, knowing that soon, she would be the next to go. I have slept with that little body beside me for over six years. And although, she is 'just a dog,' she has been the comfort I have needed, when alone, when hurting, when I feel like giving up.
Today, it felt like I was being literally ripped apart, not a nice even rip, but a jagged rip, the kind that doctors struggle to repair. The kind that is so fleshy and uneven, they don't even know where to begin reparations.
I tried to pull myself together, for dinner with my work family of the past six years, and it was great, until the goodbye's began. I cried all the way home.
I finished packing up my house, and met some more people who needed my 'stuff' and loaded up their truck, locked the door and walked away.
Now, don't get me wrong, I am excited for my new home. Patrick, another worker, sent me pictures of my new home, and I love it! My own banana tree! A beautiful house, and a banister that I can hardly wait to slide down (I'm still trying to decide if I will do this alone, so I can maintain the facade of a responsible adult, or to have a spotter.....just in most of us know...grace is not one of my gifts)
I have a great room, and a great toilet...and even a tub!! I've been begging the Lord for a tub for 2 years.
And yet....there is something so painful, so cutting, so tearing....about leaving everything behind....everything you love, everyone you love, to begin again.
"like a stranger in a foreign country"
As I started my car, and steered it toward my temporary home, my brother's spare room, I couldn't help but sob. Oh Lord Jesus, this is soooo hard.
And just as I began to listen...a song began to play.

I grew up in Sunday school,
I memorized the Golden Rule,
And how Jesus came
To set the sinner free...
I know the story inside-out,
And I can tell you all about
The path that led Him up
To Calvary...
But ask me why He loves me,
And I don't know what to say -
But I'll never be the same,
Bacause He changed my life when He became...

Everything to Me -
He's more than a story,
More than words on a page of history
He's the Air that I breathe,
The Water I thirst for,
And the Ground beneath my feet --
He's Everything...
Everything to Me...

We're living in uncertain times,
And more and more, I find
That I'm aware of just
How fragile life can be...
I want to tell the world I've found
A love that turned my life around -
They need to know
That they can taste and see...
Now every day, I'm praying
Just to give my heart away
I want to live for Jesus
So that someone else might see that He is...

Everything to Me -
He's more than a story,
More than words on a page of history
He's the Air that I breathe,
The Water I thirst for,
And the Ground beneath my feet --
Oh, He's Everything...

And looking back over my life at the end,
I'm gonna meet You,
Saying You've been
Everything to Me -
You're more than a story,
More than words on a page of history...

Well now...doesn't that just say it all. Everything to me. And....I do hope....He is everything to you too.
And with that, I hope to join the land of slumber, with this snoring chihuahua beside me.


  1. I sing with you for strength, I pray with you for protection, I ache with your heart as we are called to bear each others burdens, but ultimately I celebrate what lies ahead sister:)

  2. He never calls us to things that are not good. Enjoy God's good and wonderful life he is calling you to. Even if you hurt to get there.

  3. Oh, my goodness! I know that feeling very well, but not because I was Working for God. But the heartrending, floor pulled out from under you feeling I know very well. My heart hurts for you, Robyn. I know you'll be happy in Cambodia, but the journey there will be tough.

    And don't let ANYONE tell you your pet is JUST A DOG. These animals are family, and often our closes confidants. Ruby is a light in your life, a lifeline, a companion and she fills up a large share of your heart. So grieve. Then move on.

  4. You are an inspiration to me, Robyn. You are choosing the life that our God undeniably asks all of us to live - to give up ourselves to His work - and so few of us seem actually able to do... I am encouraged to see 'one of us' truly following the call of God. I hope to grow in this way, and more than anything - I pray that I can be a mother who can raise my daughters to be just like this... I can't describe how I feel about this journey for you - you are daily in my prayers, and we barely know each other. Thank you for your example. I know you don't intend it to be for your glory, but you are proof that God is still working.

  5. Hey Robyn, I haven't thoroughly read through all your posts. Just quickly glanced through them enough to know that Man! What a journey you are on. Praise God that you are obedient. Praise God that little lives will be changed by you, a vessel.
    We're members of an Alliance Church in Kitchener and have gotten to know many missionaries who have visited while on furlough and told us many stories. One such lady is Marie Ens who, along with her late husband worked in Cambodia for decades. They founded Place of Rescue which is in Cambodia somewhere. Here is a link: Anyway, I hope to go out there maybe summer '14 to Siam Riep to help out with ESL along with our Alliance missionaries there. You'll likely here about these people in your work.
    Wishing you well and hoping you even remember who the heck I am.


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