Friday, August 13, 2010

This is my Desire.

This is not where I thought I'd be. Okay, not literally...its 3am, and I'm in bed....and that's an expectation.
In life, this is not where I thought I'd be......38, single, childless, choosing to live with family.  Now, truth be told, this is not where a lot of people thought they would mother a widow at 63, my brother with a  disability at 42 (although we prefer to call him 'handi-capable'.....and drive with him to different functions, because he gets the good parking)
This is not where a lot of us thought we would be; divorced, single parent, marriage in trouble, a loveless marriage, childless...a dead end job......even coping with addictions, and secrets with lives of their own.
Through our own miss-steps and choices, or sometimes completely out of our control, we find ourselves, at the place we never expected, never imagined......never wanted.
Tonight for me, the desire came once again. I had baby Connor snuggled tightly in my lap, as I sang to him, and he stared at me and sucked his soother with the same determination as Maggie from the Simpson's.....and I thought....."God, I want this. I want to know what this is, to hold my child in my lap." And for me.....having a child also brings in the marriage piece, also a desire.
Desire vs. God's will. Now I don't think that my desires go against the will of God, they are God-given feelings and dreams, I believe maybe it's just in the timing. I also believe that God can change my heart away from things, if I allow Him to. But for now, this is where it is at.
When I started typing this, I didn't know where it would end.....and as I lay here, there is a picture that continues to come to my head.
It's of the woman caught in adultery, that the officials bring to Jesus, wanting judgment, wanting death.
I don't think of this woman, because of her sin, her choices......but the picture I see, is of her.....laying/ sitting on the dirt....dress covered in dust.....tears streaming down her face, unable to make eye contact......waiting....waiting.....and what could have ended her life.....ended in hope. I see her sitting at the feet of Jesus, with dreams and desires.....her heart broken once again.....but He offers hope.
That's where I want to be tonight.....laying at the feet of dress may be dusty, and it might have been a long day......tears mixed with dirt may stain my face, but choosing to trust.


  1. Robyn - I love the 3Am posts! That is my kind of blogging!

    O man how I can realte! There is a line in one of Sheryl Crow's song that says...

    "It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you've got"

    For me this rang true in so many ways. This concept is a daily battle of being where I am vs where I want to be.

    I am slowly letting go, but it is a process. There is a plan for me I just got to keep living and the rest will come.

    I hope and pray everyday that I am not going to turn into a cranky bitter person. Some days I just let my anger or frustration out about everything because I am sick of internalizing it.

    Thinking of you, this can be a hard place to be! If you ever need anything, let me know.


  2. and...

    I meant to say as well - great post! I think everyone could relate to this in some way shape or form. I love how open and honest you are - it makes for the best blogging.



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