Sunday, June 20, 2010

Here I am

Well its been a few days, and to be honest, I am not sure what to write here. This past month, I have sought after God......I have listened, and obeyed.....and in all honestly, this human, feels done. I feel like I have been ripped into shreds and left to my own misery.   Maybe I shouldnt tell you that. I realize that in reality, I deserve nothing, and yet I have received so much. It just seems that certain things seems to elude me.....only the things I dream of.
I think I would feel different, maybe, if Jesus were here, with skin on.....but today.....I question if God is real. Somewhere in my heart, I am sure I must believe........but today, in my head......I ask the question, "if you love me as much as you say you do, and I am being obedient to you, then why do I get hurt?"
As of late, God continues to say to me that "His glory will be revealed, in His time." What does that even mean?
I've been reading the gospels....and over and over again, Jesus said that His time had not yet come. I wonder if its kinda the same?
Someone once told me....when you feel this way......look to Jesus....what does that mean? Do I still read the scriptures? yes, at this point, Im up to memorizing about 25 verses a week. I am I praying and spending time listening.....yes.
And yet despair and desolution seem to be settling in. I realize that faith is a fact and not a feeling....but oh, what I wouldnt give for a little comfort......

3 comments:

  1. First (((hug)))

    Second, "Someone once told me....when you feel this way......look to Jesus...."

    Generally when people come out with phrases like this is means they don't really know how to help, yet they feel the need to 'fix' your problem. Someone probably told them something like this when they were struggling, and it sounded good so they've passed it on.

    I have friends which are experienced Christians who, if you ask a question, will wave the bible at you and say "it's all in here - you've just got to read it". I've managed not to punch any of them so far.....

    After 30+ years of being a Christian my experience is that occasional periods of despair - even a couple of years worth - is normal. Paul talks about despairing to the point of almost giving up life. Looks like it happened to him too then. Maybe you should talk with Candace - this is an area she understands a lot about - get her to pray for you.

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  2. thanks Tony....hugging you back.

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