Saturday, May 15, 2010

The Politicians Wife

(This was written in early March, but I was asked to post it to my blog)

I’m not married. I’ve never been. Yet in this relationship with God, it has slowly morphed into what I would consider a marriage of sorts. The give and take, conversation, the love, and yes even the submission. He likes my new haircut. We go shopping together, we drive together, we fight, we laugh, we tease. We are.

This year has commenced as a year of decision for me......change and challenge, brought on by none other, than my husband. He loves me the way that I am, but has been challenging me to face my secrets, my doubts, and my shame. He has challenged me to walk through the fire, and see what comes out on the other side ....a purer version of me.....stronger, refined. So far, I’m not really enjoying the heat.

A few weeks ago, I sat with a mentor and came to the realization that I was very frustrated with my husband, for something that happened in the past. My understanding of the situation, was that He left me alone, vulnerable and unprotected....and I was angry. If you loved me so much, why did you allow things to happen.....these were my thoughts......and for the first time in my life, I was ready to confront the issue. I found myself unable to move forward, avoiding the pain of it all.......and so instead for three weeks....I sat. I sat in the pain. I did not wallow. I did not have self pity. I just sat.
And so for those three weeks, I became the politician’s wife. When we were out in public, or I was at work, I would do my best to smile and hold my husband’s hand, and encourage people that ‘He’ was the ‘One ‘ to choose, to vote for, to accept. .....and yet, when we got home, my hand would drop, and I would walk into another room. I wasn’t ready to give up the marriage, I just needed space...and time. Time to absorb, time to find other perspectives. Time.
This past week, understanding came. I understood, that even though bad things happen to good amongst it all....God gives us a voice. He gave me a voice.........very literally. My first vocal performance came when I was 16, and from then on, when I sang, people listened. God gave me a voice. I am no longer the girl who people can’t hear. When I see that He was not the deliverer of pain, but the instigator of healing, I soften a little. I am a little more willing to continue to walk through the fire.......just let me grab my husband’s hand.

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