Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Do You Trust Me?

Whenever I hear these words, I am taken back. Taken back to the early 90's when the Aladdin movie was released and an instant hit.
There is one part of the movie, where Aladdin is standing on his magic carpet balancing like no one else could. The carpet is hovering just above Princess Jasmine's balcony. She is standing there, hesitating, not sure if she should take his hand and step on to the carpet; step out in faith.
His words are strong and sure, "Do you trust me? Do you trust me?"

And with that she grabs his hand, and makes the decision to trust. Not an easy decision to make. Not one without consequences. Now, hers is a cartoon existence, with a happy ending. What about ours?

It has only been in the past year that I have been learning to trust God. People may think that strange, as I have been involved in ministry for several years and have been a believer much of my life. Trust in God, has not come easily for me. And this lack of trust has infiltrated every part of my being, my financial faithfulness, my lack of willingness to be vulnerable, and especially my heart.

Walk along side me now, as I share a piece of myself with you. Please understand, that sharing this with you, is not done lightly, I prefer for people to think I have it all together, when in fact, I am just a broken woman, receiving comfort from my God.
As some of you know, sexual abuse is a part of my past. Because of this, I lacked the understanding that number one, I had value, and number two that it wasn't my fault. I always figured that if it is wasn't my fault, then it had to be God's because He knew me, and He knew it was happening....therefore, lack of trust. It wasn't until after counseling, that I was able to understand that these are lies. It wasn't until after I spent time with a six year old, that I truly understood that as a six year old, when I believe the abuse began, it could have never been my fault; and that the abuse grieved God's heart, I did have his protection. But before that, much of my life was spent trying to please others, and trying to find a love that would satisfy. I never did.

I only regret that it has taken this long, to have healing. Healing however does not come in a big bang, all at once, but in steps of faith, in decision making, in learning to trust. One step at a time.

And as I have been taking these steps, God is continuing to ask my to trust Him more, with my future, with my writing, with my career, with my hopes and dreams. And........ it is not always without pain. Trusting someone else, means dying to myself, and becoming vulnerable to hurt, and disappointment. For me, it means the breaking of my will, to take on someone else's.

But here I am, on the balcony, and there He is, on his carpet, hovering over me, with His hand out stretched........saying, "Robyn, Do you trust me?"

4 comments:

  1. Robyn, what you've just expressed here seems to resonate deep within my own soul. Trust...it's hard, especially after feeling so broken for so long. I admire you for being open and honest with the things that are happening in your life and in your heart.

    Love you!

    Candace

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  2. The hardest part is the stepping out. Once you've done it, you'll wonder why you waited so long. Is it easy? No. And you'll continue to question, but He'll wait. He knows where you're vulnerable and He's kind and sensitive and patient. Faith is not for the faint of heart, but even the faint of heart can have faith~ even the smallest amount, and benefit from it. Be encouraged, be blessed, and know the strong arms of the Lord are waiting to catch you when you fall.

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  3. Wowza girl! You have such amazing testimony about how God has been by your side in the good times and in the bad. I love how you are so open with many and share your heart. It is a true sign of growth and trust in God that you do this because it is encouraging for those not that far along in their own personal journey, that God is with them too and grieving with them. You are awesome chickie!

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  4. Do you know, I nearly missed this.

    It is so hard for us sometimes, to see bad things happen and understand God's place in it with us.

    (((hug)))

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