Friday, September 01, 2006

Daddies Girl

This blog has too much become my place to vent about life, about my dad, about my feelings....and yet, I dont really know where else to go.
Today is my parents anniversary. If my dad were alive, I would have gotten a phone call a few days ago, asking me to buy flowers, or jewelry, or something that she had mentioned that she wanted. That's what happened on every special occasion these last few years.
An aquaintance of mine lost a parent this week, quick and tragic....an accident. I do not know these people, but my heart was quickly broken for their loss. My heart breaks easily these days.
As I have prayed for them this week, I am again reminded of my dad....and I realized something.
I have felt like I am taking my dad's death harder than the others....this may not be true, but that is my perception....it seems more difficult for me to move on. I have been trying to figure out why. My dad and I didn't always see eye to eye. Most of the time, I didn't feel like he even approved of me....he wasn't proud of me, and mostly that I was a screw up. And then one day in March....I put it all on the table. I sat down and told him how I felt.....and he in turn, returned the favor. He told me I was wrong....in not so many words, he told me that I had been living a lie all these years......and.....that changed things.
After 34 years of rebelling.....I became a daddies girl. People wouldnt maybe see that....but we did things that nobody saw. We sat together and watched CSI when he needed me to come over and heat up his supper. We shared chicken Mcnuggets...cuz he couldnt eat a whole serving..... One day I even made him watch March of the Penguins. Oh, he complained at first, but soon, he was watching with much anticipation for those babies to hatch.
I think that's why its so hard for me. I finally became a daddies girl...and I wasn't ready to give that up.
Oh, how much time I wasted.

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