Thursday, August 24, 2006

2 Months

I am a different person now.

Some of you can't tell....some of you dont realize. I try to hide it as much as possible. I try to hide it at work as best I can. Those who are close, see it, feel it.
I hate it. I hate that I am so totally different on the inside. I hate it, because now, I am insecure of the new me.
People who are close to me tell me that I have changed...that I am not the same.......and I hate that.....because I liked the old me, she was fun....she could spread herself thin, and do stuff for others, cuz she loved doing it. The new me can't. The new me has panic attacks when thinking of spending time with crowds. The new me, is getting used to hiding....being alone. I've lost the sparkle....the teasing.....the flirt.
The social butterfly has curled back up into a cocoon. I don't know how to get her out.
Time everyone says....time....but it seems that everyone else is having an easier time getting on with life, with living, than me.
People want me better, and have all manner of ideas to get me there, from pills to counseling, to pastors, to reading books....and I dont think any of those will work, I've tried a few......but no help. My help will come from God. I know it, He knows it.... He's only telling me that I need to rest. That's all He's saying right now.
I guess I'll go to bed.

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