Tuesday, January 11, 2005

Late Phone Calls.

It's late. I got home about half an hour ago. Usually on these nights solitude meets me at the door....oh, and a cat.
I hadn't been home very long, when the phone rang. It was my mother...and my heart sank. The last time my mother called me at 11:30pm, someone was dying. She never calls this late.
...and so it is the same.
Her brother has been fighting cancer for about a year, and successfully we thought. Apparently we were wrong. This week the dr.s told him he has about a month to live. My heart breaks. Not so much for me, but for his wife, his two children and the three young grandchildren who are in love with their grampa. Their pain I understand.
My father has been sick for about 8 years now. We don't know what the future holds, but it doesn't seem so bright. He lives in constant pain. His body will not recover, he will not get any better, ever....only slowly worse.
I think about how I have been trying to prepare myself these years, and I know that my cousins now have to do the same, only they havent been given the luxury of time that we have had.
I think about my mother watching her brother die, and I think of my own brothers, how I look up to them, how I feel about them, how I like their approval, how....I am not ready for them to die.....and for my mother, my heart breaks.
It has been a year of change, a year of stretching, a year of broken hearts....and yet, a year of love.
God still loves.
I remember the story of the women who went to the empty tomb. The stone was rolled away, the grave was empty. It would have taken more than those few men to move the stone away, and yet, it was rolled away...
...I guess what I am trying to say,what I need to say, even to myself, that even in this world, this world of death, this world of constant pain, this world of broken hearts, empty promises, disease, whatever....in this world....God still moves stones.

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