Sunday, January 09, 2005

A fine line.....

"There is a fine line between no hope and giving up completely." or at least I think that's what she said.
I was talking to a dear friend tonite on the phone, (while doing crossword puzzles in bed) and we were discussing...what???? ...of course, men.
There is a nice man in church, who she thinks I should get to know. I say...."talk to God about it....not me."
A few weeks ago, I told my pastor, "I am never gonna get married, I am done! I give up, I am gonna get a lot of cats, and big tacky jewelry....and that's fine. I am done." He chuckled at me and said that he could hardly wait to meet my husband.
I went out with two friends the other day. Neither of them share my faith. One slept around with a group of friends, til she got to the guy who is now her husband, apparently he was the best one. She is now expecting their first child.
The second friend had an affair with a married man, broke up the marriage, is now living with the man, just had his child and is planning their wedding.
They both got the things that I want, and don't have. I am glad they are happy. I am glad for their lives.
I am done waiting for mine. Am I wrong to think this way? Do I want love? Sure! Would I like to have kids? You bet.
I know that God is God. I am sure He has a reason for the things that come to pass. Is it my fault that I can't get it done? I look at the men I have dated in my past....there are several.
Today my brother called me a human tsunami....leaving men this pay back for my past? Did I have a chance, and did I blow it? I dunno. I don't think I really believe that....I never really felt peace with any of them....
I don't think I am meant to be alone.....and seems to be where I always end up....
I am singing at a wedding in two weeks....I am happy to do it, but I think that will be the last one for a while. I am tired of being the wedding singer.....I am tired of being the failure at weddings.
Lately I have been thinking of adopting a child. I know I am a long way off from that, but with the world the way it is, there are so many kids who need a parent. But then I wonder if it is selfish to want to raise a child in a one parent home (figuring I can't garuntee that I will ever marry) instead of him/her going to a home with two parents.....could I do a good job, and would I want incharge of a life all by myself...but then again...I wouldnt know what it would be like to raise someone with two people cas I've never done it.....I wonder what this next year will bring....

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