Tuesday, September 21, 2004

Blast from the Past = Kick in the head

So I had a great wkd with my friends. We laughed, we shopped, we ate, we hung out, we did crossword puzzles....it was all good.
We decided on Sunday afternoon to go and hang out in a granola part of town, kinda touristy, kinda eclectic.
I walked into a store, and wanted to ask a sales associate for some help......and then she turned around.........
About ten years ago, I was in love. I met the man of my dreams. He was it, the one, the only, my love. We were together for about two years, in which I made him my primary focus. I lost focus on who I was, and concentrated on who I was in him. It was not a healthy relationship, I see now, but, I was willing to lose myself in him, in his identity.
We were together, and we talked about marriage, we even talked about dates. He was a part of my family, and I a part of his....I even lived with his brother's girlfriend for a time.
One day in July, he sat in my appartment and told me this wasn't working for him and we needed to go our separate ways. It was the first and only time I have ever said "Oh my god."
I had planned my whole life out with him in the picture. I didn't even know how to try living my life without him. I wanted to die, I remember contemplating taking my life.
It was the beginning of a very selfish time for me, of being angry with God and searching for acceptance, not the immense rejection I had just come through. It took me several years to be able to work through and begin to find my way back to God. I made mistakes, I alienated people, I was just....well.....lost.
As I have grown in these past years, I have made the promise to myself that I would never love a man like that again. I would never give my heart that freely and easily, and no one would ever have that control over me.
In the past year, I have been learning to give God that role, even though it isn't easy and I still struggle....but I am a work in progress.
On Sunday afternoon, the sales girl turned around and as luck would have it, it was Kevin's sister-in-law, the girl I once lived with.
We were shocked, and we shared bits of our life. She ended up marrying Kevin's brother, has a son, and informed me that Kevin is happily married and just bought a new house.
And there I stood alone, rejected once again..........by him, by love, by marriage. So I put on a brave face, acted happy, and got out of there as soon as I could.
And I cried......I walked down the street and cried......I don't know why...shock maybe, I put that part of my life in the past and I didn't want it brought up again.
And I cried, I sat in the car and cried.........I don't want to marry him, but I guess I just relived the rejection. Weird.....stupid.......pathetic.
I feel weird now. I have been sooo happy with my new job, my new experiences......I felt like I was kicked in the head that day......not prepared for the pain, and holding my head in agony with the after effects.
And so, I am avoiding that area of town.......hoping against hope that she doesn't seek me out.....skulking around Edmonton.
I guess I need to deal with this eventually.

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