Friday, May 21, 2004

Good Grief

Okay, I don't really think there is any....good grief I mean. Its funny how grief manifests itself. I have seen many ways in the last day. I have seen people take control, and try to plan everything out without taking even a moment to rest. This is grief. I have seen and heard the tears of my mother, this is grief. I have curled up in a ball in my bed, alone,ignoring the world, and tried to let go. I have re-occurring dreams where I jump awake, listening for his breathing like I did on Wednesday night, this is grief. I have seen my grandmother go home after her husband died, only to have a stroke and be rushed back to the hospital. I have heard her say "What will I do now?" I have heard that she just lies there and cries for John. She just wants John. And, as I sit here and the tears once again blur my eyes, I wish she could go to him. Jesus, take her soon. She will die of a broken heart, and only You can fix it.
I have also experienced the love of so many friends these past days. Phone calls, even when I can't yet call you back, they are appreciated. My house is starting to look like a flower shop.
I don't really know what to do. I know not everyone understands the relationship I had with him, and so I feel stupid for taking this so hard...and yet he was such an important part of my life.
I remember working in different malls, and seeing him across the hallway, going into each store looking for me. I remember standing in lines with him in stores and he would always tell them that I was his youngest granddaughter and how proud he was of me. I remember taking him to Hel (the music store, not the firey pit) and telling everyone that Grampa and I went to Hel. I remember him commenting on my clothes and offering me his jacket to cover me up. I remember the day before he died, how he looked at me and said " Thank you for being you." I remember on the day he died, how he, with his feeble voice, asked me to sing at his funeral....and later, when he saw me crying, he held my hand and said "Robyn is weeping." He always told me he loved me, everytime I talked to him...every time.
There is a hope though. Before he died, I told him when he got to heaven, I wanted him to go and talk to Jesus about this husband thing...I am tired of waiting...and I know he'll do it to. I am just a little concerned as to who him and Jesus will pick for me. I guess we will have to wait and see.

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