Sunday, April 04, 2004

Birthday

As I sit here at the end of the day, I am unsure of what to write. I know I have to, because my heart is full....but where do I begin. The room is dark, except for the glow of a small lamp, and I have the song " I can only imagine" on repeat.
I wish that at times, I could pull back and see the big picture of my life, so I could make sense of it all. This life is so messy and lives spill into one another, making sometimes beautiful colours and sometimes just a big mess.
Feelings and emotions grab ahold of my heart, and tear at it, and I beg God for peace or just to take away the feelings. I've noticed in these past few months of getting to know Jesus better, my heart becoming soft, I feel so much more, the feelings are raw, and being able to put up walls has become a difficult task. There are times when I just don't want to feel.....like today.
I am working through something with Jesus right now; something of my heart, something that sits within me from day to day, and I don't know what the outcome will be. So I carry this with me, and live my life, believing, praying and giving faith my best shot.
Tonite ripped a new hole in my heart.
Today is my grama's birthday. She is 87. For her birthday she got some cards, cake, flowers and a husband that is dying of cancer. She has spent 64 years of her life living with, caring for, standing beside a partner who might be leaving soon. She has been with him through everything; through years of ministry, through four children, through the death on her youngest daughter. She has travelled with him to tell others of Jesus. She has stayed home to hold down the fort. His life has been serving God and her's has been serving God, by serving her husband....and that will most likely change soon. Her role is changing, and she hasn't been given a new part to play. I know God loves us. I know we are His children. I just want to make sure He gives Grama a new part.

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