Sunday, February 01, 2004

Role Model

I have come to realize these past few years that I struggle with wanting approval for my life, especially from the men in my life. I dont know why, but in the past, I seem to be more proud if I am acknowledged by a male figure than a female figure. Go figure.
So in learning this about myself, I have looked for a female role model, who can see beyond the approval of humans and just look to God.
Well I found her, or so I thought. Leah...you know Rachel and Leah. Leah with the weak eyes, married to a guy who didnt really like her, Leah, who's dad didnt see her for her own character, but had to trick a guy into taking her for his wife. Leah. Good o'le Leah.
At the beginning of her marriage, she tried to win her husbands love and approval by having children....sons no less! Her sister couldn't have kids...so she felt vindicated, and yet...still no approval from Jacob. So she had a couple of boys, still no change...and then she had Judah...and said "This time I will praise the Lord." She didn't mention Jacob, she didn't mention her relationship with Jacob, or Rachel for that matter. She just praised the Lord.
Now to me, this was like a balm on my wound. When I read this, it freed me. I was like a new woman.....until.....
Later on in this chapter, Leah bought a night with Jacob from Rachel with some mandrakes. Now I don't know what mandrakes are, but they musta been something.
And I am stumped....why did she have to do that....why, if she was free and past needing the approval did she pay for a night with her husband. As I sit here, I am starting to wonder, was it just for some alone time..attention...maybe if it were me...I would tell him to get lost (probably with stronger words), and live without needing his approval...but, with anger towards him the rest of my days. Maybe she was able to let the anger go, the insecurities go, the always being chosen last.
Maybe just maybe, she learned to be content in her circumstance, and trust God for the future and even the present.
Maybe I do have a good role model after all.

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